the Lady

Aung San Suu Kyi is described by a Newsweek writer as "float[ing] like some otherworldly presence, calm and cool as others are flushed and frenetic."





This is a woman who must have a sense of urgency since she was released after years of house arrest. She must know that she might have to return to that prison at any time the "generals" get tired of her freedom. Still...this peace and seeming calm in the midst of a storm points to a serenity and calm that must come from a sense of purpose and a trust in things greater than oneself.





She is quoted later as saying "My very top priority is for people to understand that they have the power to change things themselves." What a very healthy point to remember for someone who is used to leading others. My own trap is to think my advocacy work is so dependent upon my own efforts for its success. In other words, I struggle not only to do the right thing...but I also struggle to maintain control of the outcomes. Suu Kyi, in this little slice of her life, is portrayed as both having the confidence of one who is doing all she can do...and then leaving the outcomes to be whatever they may be. In my mind, that is truly freedom.





I want that freedom. I want to be free from expectations of outcomes and letting those expectations rule my emotions, my esteem, my image of myself. I simply want to be and to do what I feel called to do...not without consequence, but without a specific expectation that will define "good" and "bad" or "right outcome" and "wrong outcome" when such outcomes are truly out of my control. Suu Kyi must know how long she has fought and what little ground has been given politically by the generals in her land. She must know that by some measures her work has accomplished so little in tangible results. But, deep down she must know that the fight both the means and the end. And so it is with us. All of us on this earth. The apostle Paul said it like this...we are running a race. Let us run it as best we can. We are not running it to beat anyone else or in competition with anyone...we are running it to run it because it is what we are called to do. To loose the race is to quit it. To win it is simply to continue to run it...and by running it we are neither in control of the outcome or Lord over our destiny...we are simply on the way and at arrived at the right destination all at the same time. The means has become the end has become the means...and on and on.

climbing out of an abyss

Depression sneaks up on you. At times, I feel like I fall into an abyss, like I run up onto a sink hole in the middle of the road at 80 miles per hour with no time to make a correction. Suddenly you find yourself into something...sinking deeper and deeper. Panic takes over, your mind knows it wants to think...you try to stop the panic and the fear. You want the reason and the logic to bring you back to what you know you believe. You try like hell to remember the faith that guides you and the Love that you so strongly believe in...and yet like a stun gun...the fear and anxiety paralyzes you and keeps you from struggling or even thinking. It's like it brings you to the point where you cannot move...it's a mental paralysis of the will. Confidence seeps out of you like blood from a wound. And with it flows the energy and the peace that is the foundation of a sane life. It's like sanity becomes illusive and out of reach. You don't know where you are relative to where you were when you could think and act and not quake in fear. It's like being in a prison. there are no locks on the doors, but you still can't leave. What is happening?
Why does this brain operate this way? There's got to be a drug, a therapy, an exercise, something that brings us back to reality...I'm not talking about a reality that is based upon the smoke and mirrors of this world's values... I'm talking about the reality of truth that surpasses the made up value systems our society has concocted.

Most of all, I just want to escape the overwhelming fear and anxiety that can grip me and drag me under. No longer can I believe that there is no power in the forces of our mind that bring us into depressive states. But I must know what can be done to bring me out of this and to escape the undertow that seems unrelenting in its pull. There has to be hope in a salvation from this way and this path. There is hope. Escape of the grip of this horrible power. I preach that God can do all these things. It just isn't obvious to me how His salvation comes in the midst of these horrible places.