I'm selfish and thank you very much.

1 Corinthians 13 is a chapter that describes what love is and what love is not. It seems so obvious that our response should be to just love the right way and get on with life. It seems so obvious that I must be missing a few steps. Nothing that really produces results is that easy. Just try P90X for a few weeks and you'll know what I mean.

So if what is the hard part? I think the hardest part is actually recognizing how I actually act towards other people. I go throughout my day treating people the way I think they should be treated in the moment. Occasionally, I recognize that I'm a little short or angry in my response to someone. But, for the most part, I'm a pretty good guy...at least I think I am. I think of others first, don't I? I do good things for people and that's o.k. isn't it?

But then I started reading a book by Anthony De Mello who says hey...you may be doing good things...but have you ever looked at WHY you are doing them? What? WHY I AM DOING GOOD THINGS? It's not enough to just do these things? Now I have to worry about WHY I am doing them?

Well De Mello has a point. He thinks that we are all basically selfish...even the "good" people, and that if we really took a good look at ourselves we would see that even our "good" and "holy" actions have some selfish motivations behind them. So I took him up on his challenge, and I started to reflect about nearly every little thing that I did. I kind of got outside of myself to think about the WHY behind even my supposedly good actions. And what did I find? To my amazement, I found that I had selfish reasons for doing even good things for people. Maybe it was because I didn't want to disappoint someone and cause myself bad feelings. Maybe it was because I wanted to look good in front of someone or I wanted to procure someones favor. But nearly every time, I could look at my actions and deep down find a selfish reason for them. Now, I had to ask myself...is that love? I mean...at least I was doing something good right? But, if it wasn't done out of love, was it really good FOR ME, I mean...for my spiritual growth...for me. Now doesn't that sound even more selfish? Maybe so, maybe not.

Now what came next is what was really...really surprising to me. I found that if I just became aware of my motivations...IF I just examined myself...not JUDGED myself...but just became aware of my motivations...somehow, almost magically I changed. I didn't try to change. I didn't say to myself..."you're a bad person because you have these motivations..." I just said..."aha...look at that...how interesting..." AND WAh-LAh, like David Copperfield waving a wand, I no longer wanted to please someone, I just wanted to do what was good. I no longer was trapped by this desire to be needed by someone else...I just wanted to love other people and do things for them. BY simply becoming aware of what was going on inside of me...I became free of my selfishness and somehow filled with love for others.

It wasn't a formula, and exercise, or anything that I did...I think it was God working though His Holy Spirit to change me and to make me aware of His Love. I can't describe WHY this spiritual change happened...I just know that it did, and I know that it can happen for you if you only become aware of what you are doing. I never felt like God was trying to make me feel bad about my motivations...If I felt like that, I would probably try to hide from them and never be free of them. Only by facing them...recognizing them...and just becoming AWARE of them...did they change. I recognized that God knows who I am...but when I faced it...when I saw it...then change in me came...I knew at that moment that God loved me just as I was and will always love me just as I am. BUT...I know that He sees who I can become when I drop all the stuff that is not LOVE...that is not HIM. When that happens, I know that I will be truly free and forever changed.

Of course, this experience wasn't a one time thing that I can now walk away from and be forever different...It was a lesson that I must always be AWARE of my motivations. It's like I need to always be looking at myself from an objective point of view to ask what is behind my actions, my thoughts, my decisions, my motivations. AWARENESS is a full time job...but the rewards and the benefits are divine.