"poop" is a word that we assign to stuff that we have in abundance, that we don't know what to do with, that our lives kind of accidentally step in and get caught up in. So that's what I have now...a bunch of words that just mean shit.
Friday, February 25, 2011
words are just more "poop" but yu know what I mean.
I don't know how to give spiritual context to what I am feeling right now. I don't know how to give emotional context to what I am feeling right now. I don't even really know what to do.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
sometimes you just want to throw up
I just want to throw up...I ate a bad meal and it doesn't sit well with me. Sometimes I eat some bad stuff, I hear bad stuff, I see bad stuff, and I can't fix it, heal it, or change it. It just sits there and makes me feel so very sick. We need healing...we need a doctor that can patch things up without all the killing, the shooting, the torturing. We accept dictators because they bring stability...but stability at the price of freedom and lives. We accept revolution as long as it brings to power people that don't hurt anyone beyond their own borders. Containment isn't a policy that I can accept. But how can we fight against tyrants without violence, guns, and bombs? We say that is the only language they understand. Maybe it's the only language we understand. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. God please show me how that works.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Truth in Numbers
There is truth in all kinds of things. Today, I see truth in numbers. They do not lie, they only exist. They are what they are, and they are only moved around and changed by those of us who would use them. We use them to assign value, to count how many or how few. We use them to grade each other. While numbers don't feel or care about which number they are, we crave certain numbers, certain scores, certain thresholds. Salaries, bank accounts, zip codes, ACT scores, IQ scores, and net worth. Numbers are things that we think are so very important to us. But to them, they are just what they are. And so are we.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Love Day
So what about the flowers and the gifts and the cards. What I care about are the relationships that they celebrate. If the relationship isn't there, then all the gifts in the world are just dust reconfigured that will go back to dust in the end. The eternal thing is the Love that is shared between us. It is this gift that keeps on giving, causing both pain and heartache as I open myself up ever more to its power to change me. and break me down.
In the end I am nothing, and Love is everything...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I love you Love.
Some times I wish that I could just go to the doctor and get them to tell me what it is that is wrong with me. I wish that there were some diagnosis, some disease, some problem that they could name and tell me, so that I would know why I don’t have a life that is perfect, why I do stupid things some times, why I some times don’t meet every one's expectations or why I let people down, or why I hurt people’s feelings. Some days I just wish there were something that would explain why some people like me and some people don’t...and I wish that there were some magic pill that I could take that would realign that part of me that is broken and put it all back into place so that I would never let you down, and never hurt your feelings, and never get upset and angry, and never ever would get hurt myself. I mean, I can’t control what other people do, but oh how I wish I really wouldn’t care what people say, or what they think about me. Oh how I wish the only thing I cared about was the thing that God cares about...and once I got to be that perfect little spiritual person...well rounded in all areas of my life...balanced, enlightened, peaceful, and full of love... God how I pray for that pill to be invented so that I can just get there...don’t you?
But life isn’t perfect and neither are we. We don’t live in a world where perfection is even a possibility. Our bodies and our minds and our emotions may have been created by God...but somewhere long before you and I came along, the train left the track and the path to enlightenment became...well...broken, fallen, caved in, impassible. Truly, any attempt on our part to reach perfection, Nirvana, wholeness, whatever...any attempt at that will most predictably fall short, because there is not a way that we can get there with the minds, the souls, the hearts, the emotions that we have been born with. It is really only by some other way that we can even see and believe that we are falling a bit short of the ideal. Somewhere deep inside ourselves if we just gave into our impulses, followed our own way, ceased to live by any law that was not governed by our own ferocious appetites, that we would consume everything and everyone that came across our path. In fact, we know that somewhere on our road to fulfillment we know that if we only thought of ourselves and what we wanted and thought that we needed without any regard to any one else...we know that living like that would most certainly lead to such a melt down that we would be consumed, eaten up...melt down Chernobyl style...there would be nothing left of us or our souls and we would be even more empty and malnourished that the day we started our journey to fulfillment.
So what is it...what is out there that truly leads us? What is it that is out there and why do we need it? Why do we know somehow...deep within ourselves that God is somehow behind this world and its rules and its systems and the deep deep deep connections that bind us...each of us...one to another. How do we know this in the midst of a world that is...most obviously....broken? We know this, I believe, because in the midst of a broken and fallen world, God has been calling out to us from the deep. I don’t mean that we hop in the submarine like Jules Verne and go searching for God...I mean He is calling out to us from that place that exists within us so deep and so far down, that it isn’t really something that one could say is a part of this world. It is that place that is so deep within us that it is still untouched by this world...it is other world...it is God world...it is spiritual world...it is the uncorrupted...or maybe somewhat corrupted (God please forgive all the ellipses, but how to say this without them)...BUT nonetheless it is more God and Good (capital G...whatever that means) than fallen. Ok...it is more like what God intended than anything else that makes up the Who of who we are.
But it sits within this human shell of a body. And, it sometimes whispers, sometimes screams at us to tell us that the way we are going, the things we are saying, and sometimes doing and even thinking...these things are not what God intended. They maybe close...real close, but we still have a lot of work to do to get back to the intended use of our thoughts, our actions, our connections, our relationships, our communities, our ministries, our lives and the connections that make up this entire thing we call LIFE on earth. Yes, what I am saying may be so scientifically unprovable, but doesn’t it feel right? Is love something we can see, smell, and look at under a microscope? Is it nonetheless true? Real? Present? Even a driving force that binds not just couples, but families, communities, cities, nations, and perhaps the human race as a whole?
And where does this love come from? Where does the example of the perfect Love come from? We know that none of us match up to this unseen standard, so where does the standard reside? Who created it if not the Creator? Who put the standards in our hearts/heads/beings if not the Creator who is Love itself? And if we have this part of the Creator within us...like some sci-fi movie...that part of ourselves that isn’t really a part of this fallen world and our fallen-ness...this part of us is crying out to connect with the other parts of the Creator that are in you and me and Joe and Jesus and Chen and Jayesh and Pierre and Hanz. In fact that part of us isn’t just trying to connect to them, but it is screaming at us to try and reconnect us to our Creator Himself. And it is desperately trying to make not only these connections real and present in our lives, but it is trying to work its way through the more fallen parts of our bodies and our lives and our broken systems and broken value systems and political systems and it is so desperately trying to change them from the inside out. Like a virus or an infection it is trying to change us and change this world at a molecular level...metaphorically speaking, of course...so that even the assumptions that we never question, we start to questions, we start to challenge and think about and compare to the example of Love that we saw in Christ, that we feel in our beings, and to throw out these assumptions that don’t match up and become so un-like the fallen-ness that is all around us and so much more like the perfect-ness that is our Creator.
But perfectness does not mean right-ness or correct-ness. Perfect-ness means love. It means true Love in all things, in all responses, in all relationships, in all encounters, in all communities, in all nations, in all interactions between all people and races...It means that we must get to know what true love means by getting to know Who true love is. It is already a living and breathing part of who we are...it has just become subdued by the corrupted portions of who we are. God has not changed, Love has not changed, rather we have simply fallen away from what we have been made to be. This entire existence that we have is all about getting back TOWARDS the Loveliness that was intended to be the result of all our efforts and AWAY from the selfishness that began our fall away from the Loveliness to begin with.
I will never be there completely until, at some point, through some miracle transformation, I am rescued, transformed, changed in some eternal way. But Love/God is with me, with you, with US as individuals, as couples, as families, as nations, as churches, as humans...and He will never ever go away. May that part of us that is Love, that was forever created to be Love and share Love and give Love praise Him and infect us so that we may every day become more like Him and less like the fallenness that causes us to question His true Love for us.
But life isn’t perfect and neither are we. We don’t live in a world where perfection is even a possibility. Our bodies and our minds and our emotions may have been created by God...but somewhere long before you and I came along, the train left the track and the path to enlightenment became...well...broken, fallen, caved in, impassible. Truly, any attempt on our part to reach perfection, Nirvana, wholeness, whatever...any attempt at that will most predictably fall short, because there is not a way that we can get there with the minds, the souls, the hearts, the emotions that we have been born with. It is really only by some other way that we can even see and believe that we are falling a bit short of the ideal. Somewhere deep inside ourselves if we just gave into our impulses, followed our own way, ceased to live by any law that was not governed by our own ferocious appetites, that we would consume everything and everyone that came across our path. In fact, we know that somewhere on our road to fulfillment we know that if we only thought of ourselves and what we wanted and thought that we needed without any regard to any one else...we know that living like that would most certainly lead to such a melt down that we would be consumed, eaten up...melt down Chernobyl style...there would be nothing left of us or our souls and we would be even more empty and malnourished that the day we started our journey to fulfillment.
So what is it...what is out there that truly leads us? What is it that is out there and why do we need it? Why do we know somehow...deep within ourselves that God is somehow behind this world and its rules and its systems and the deep deep deep connections that bind us...each of us...one to another. How do we know this in the midst of a world that is...most obviously....broken? We know this, I believe, because in the midst of a broken and fallen world, God has been calling out to us from the deep. I don’t mean that we hop in the submarine like Jules Verne and go searching for God...I mean He is calling out to us from that place that exists within us so deep and so far down, that it isn’t really something that one could say is a part of this world. It is that place that is so deep within us that it is still untouched by this world...it is other world...it is God world...it is spiritual world...it is the uncorrupted...or maybe somewhat corrupted (God please forgive all the ellipses, but how to say this without them)...BUT nonetheless it is more God and Good (capital G...whatever that means) than fallen. Ok...it is more like what God intended than anything else that makes up the Who of who we are.
But it sits within this human shell of a body. And, it sometimes whispers, sometimes screams at us to tell us that the way we are going, the things we are saying, and sometimes doing and even thinking...these things are not what God intended. They maybe close...real close, but we still have a lot of work to do to get back to the intended use of our thoughts, our actions, our connections, our relationships, our communities, our ministries, our lives and the connections that make up this entire thing we call LIFE on earth. Yes, what I am saying may be so scientifically unprovable, but doesn’t it feel right? Is love something we can see, smell, and look at under a microscope? Is it nonetheless true? Real? Present? Even a driving force that binds not just couples, but families, communities, cities, nations, and perhaps the human race as a whole?
And where does this love come from? Where does the example of the perfect Love come from? We know that none of us match up to this unseen standard, so where does the standard reside? Who created it if not the Creator? Who put the standards in our hearts/heads/beings if not the Creator who is Love itself? And if we have this part of the Creator within us...like some sci-fi movie...that part of ourselves that isn’t really a part of this fallen world and our fallen-ness...this part of us is crying out to connect with the other parts of the Creator that are in you and me and Joe and Jesus and Chen and Jayesh and Pierre and Hanz. In fact that part of us isn’t just trying to connect to them, but it is screaming at us to try and reconnect us to our Creator Himself. And it is desperately trying to make not only these connections real and present in our lives, but it is trying to work its way through the more fallen parts of our bodies and our lives and our broken systems and broken value systems and political systems and it is so desperately trying to change them from the inside out. Like a virus or an infection it is trying to change us and change this world at a molecular level...metaphorically speaking, of course...so that even the assumptions that we never question, we start to questions, we start to challenge and think about and compare to the example of Love that we saw in Christ, that we feel in our beings, and to throw out these assumptions that don’t match up and become so un-like the fallen-ness that is all around us and so much more like the perfect-ness that is our Creator.
But perfectness does not mean right-ness or correct-ness. Perfect-ness means love. It means true Love in all things, in all responses, in all relationships, in all encounters, in all communities, in all nations, in all interactions between all people and races...It means that we must get to know what true love means by getting to know Who true love is. It is already a living and breathing part of who we are...it has just become subdued by the corrupted portions of who we are. God has not changed, Love has not changed, rather we have simply fallen away from what we have been made to be. This entire existence that we have is all about getting back TOWARDS the Loveliness that was intended to be the result of all our efforts and AWAY from the selfishness that began our fall away from the Loveliness to begin with.
I will never be there completely until, at some point, through some miracle transformation, I am rescued, transformed, changed in some eternal way. But Love/God is with me, with you, with US as individuals, as couples, as families, as nations, as churches, as humans...and He will never ever go away. May that part of us that is Love, that was forever created to be Love and share Love and give Love praise Him and infect us so that we may every day become more like Him and less like the fallenness that causes us to question His true Love for us.
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